confessions (of a Mel) part 16. re:love.

 

Have you ever met an unlovable person?

You know, the ones that irk you, rub you the wrong way... or get right up in your face hostile with you. It seems that life is more difficult with them in it.

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Throughout my life I felt 'stuck' with these people in my world.

In elementary school it would be that guy assigned to me as a group work partner.. "oh great, I get to watch him enjoy the contents of his nostril next to me" I would moan inwardly.

As a young kid who still didn't understand the delicate balance of truth-telling.. I thought I should be upfront and say I hated him when asked by the teacher.

In highschool it was that awkward girl assigned to share a locker with me.

"I hope no one sees me and her together here" I'd worry whilst fidgeting with our lock.

Looking back, I just remember her body odour was frightful, and she managed to have even more acne than I... which deemed her 'unloveable' in my books then.
Maybe I should have gotten to know her story better.. 
Now, at that stage of life I had learned to bite my tongue and not say "hate" about another person... but I held them at a cool distance, treating them with the warmth of a human iceberg.
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I obviously share these stories to my shame... knowing that they reveal more about the state of my heart than those seemingly unlovable individuals.

And yet.. the struggle to live authentic love continues.

I remember being struck by the perspective that we use love like currency.
In that, if we value some one.. we see them as worth investing our time/affection/energy in to them.  Sounds like money talk.  And, to take it one step further... when we find someone rather unsavoury in our life we withdraw our love.  We may possibly even dangle a 'deposit' of love their way like a shiny carrot... IF they change themselves to meet our expectations.

It gets me thinking... am I Scrooge-like with my love?
Do I only invest it in those I deem befitting my affection... and withdraw it from those that I feel at odds with?  How do I treat the rude person in line at the store?
How do I react to the slow driver in front of us?
How do I engage the loner in the crowd?
How do I respond to the obnoxious co-worker obsessed with their own success*? (Not speaking from my current employment.. ha!)

And more so,
How do I love my family when they test me?
When the kids are pushing every one of my buttons?
I can already feel the ice forming in my facial expressions when I'm getting exasperated.
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I've been feeling convicted on this issue once again lately.
Because when I look in the Bible, I don't see my heart reflecting the heart of God.
Throughout Scripture we see the God who pursues... who sets His love upon those still deep in their messes (dead in their sins even).
Despite what you may have heard... we can't clean ourselves up first to be deserving of His love.  That's the beauty of grace.  In our weakness, that love is strong.  I was the one spiritually 'smelling rank of body odours', covered in acne, a filthy mess of repeated screw ups... and He lavished His love on me.
(Ephesians 2).

How can I hold back such love from others?

Learning to love,
Mel ;o)