Confessions (of a mama) part.16.

(8 mos. pregnant.. and our almost two year old dude)

I don't know about you, but I like a good book to treat me like a good friend - by giving me the one, two punch of 'love' and 'truth'.  The kind of truth that smacks you up the head and says "you need to hear this"... the kind of love that says "because I love you too much to leave you where you are".

Well, a good friend got me this good book: "Christ in the Chaos: How the Gospel Changes Motherhood", and I ate it up pretty fast.  The author was putting a finger right on that pressure point in my own life... and speaking truth, and love, to it.

Because, as you may recall from that last 'mama confession' about the self-pity vortex, I am really seeking to weed out this rotting reaction to any trials in parenting.

This book has helped remind me to take the times of chaos, and those moments of indulgent pity parties and self-loathing... and use them as a spring board to recognise: 'yes, I am weak' but 'God's grace is strong'.

"Motherhood has taught me how very weak I really am, and that is a hard, hard truth to accept.  But by living in my weakness, I see more powerful God really is.  I come to understand that his power is shown to be perfect through my weakness and failures".Kimm.p.56.

Another weakness I think many of us women face is that 'no-win' game of comparison.  Is it easy to think of five other moms you compare your parenting to?  Or, do you seek to define yourself by the version of mom you want to be - the all-natural, granola mama; the sporty mom; the artsy mom; the homeschooling mama... etc?  We can beat ourselves up trying to 'keep up'.

We can be super defensive of any one who may question how we parent.  We can stay up at night wondering 'am I going to screw up my kids?'... imagine living in the freedom of not having to perform, or maintain such fragile identities:

"God's grace is a one-way love - love and acceptance that flows down on us so we may in turn show it to others.  A love we have done nothing to earn, grace as a gift.  When we truly believe that this permanent, unchanging approval God has bestowed upon us because Christ is enough, then we can receive compliments or complaints, approval or rejection, with a minimum of temptation to respond pridefully or defensively.  Why?  Because ultimately it's not about us." Kimm.

So whether I put the kids to bed in a flustered and frustrated rage.. and then lament my pathetic parenting, or tuck them in tenderly.. and congratulate myself on being 'wonder-mom' - both are 'me' centered perspectives.  It all boils down to a personal performance identity.  I feel validated for a good day or vexed by an exhausting one.  As the author is this books states, though, I need to trade in my 'performance obsession' for a 'Christ obsession'.

And you know what?  I already see a difference - a subtle shift in my heart - during those moments where grace instead of selfishness takes the spotlight.  Prime example: each morning when the kids wake (much) earlier than I would appreciate.. my heart can start grumbling before my feet hit the ground.  I can soon be nursing a full out pity party and contempt for my 'rough start to the day'... and blame those early risers for it - instead of recognising it's my own heart festering.  But, lately when I feel that temptation to start brewing a bad attitude - I remind myself of God's grace, always present, always free, always enduring for me.
I feel lighter.
I feel freer.

His love has opened the cage, why bother putting myself back in it?

I can't explain the difference grace makes if you don't know Jesus personally.. but I can pray you find that freedom in His love that erases all our sin and self-preoccupation.

Thanks for hearing this mama's heart,
feel free to share any great reads you've been into lately too!

Mel ;o)