confessions (of a Mel). part 17. a word.

You've likely seen a lot of different bloggers talking about their 'one word' to guide them in to the new year.  A defining word.

A challenging word.

Something to spark the changes they desire for a fresh start.

I've been thinking about such a word for over the past year... not that I need a gimmicky slogan to slap on my forehead.  But, I do benefit from a reminder tucked into my heart.

It's a big fat scary word for me.

It's multifaceted in it's ramifications for my life.

Maybe if I just spit it out... it will help this word stick to my heart like a needed bur this year?

Ok, my word would be: surrender.

If I was to unpack what this word means to me on various levels it would be an essay, but in short I'm confessing that there's a lot I should be 'letting go' of...

On the surface it's trivial things, like learning to surrender those pressures of being a 'supermom' or 'stepford wife'.  To not pretend I have it all together, or purge the house just because company is coming over.  To surrender the masquerade.  To be a hot mess if it's real.  God's grace shines out better through the various cracks of our imperfection.

On a deeper level it's the weightier issues of surrender.
Like most people - I have some control issues - this (albeit illusion of) control provides a stable framework for my life.  The check lists. The goals accomplished.. the sense of order and comfort they bring.

 It's only when I see these pillars of security come crashing down by, oh let's see: a child that refuses to nap the day I want to wash the floors - or, an appliance that breaks down the moment we have a spare dollar in the bank - and I feel my blood boil in frustration... then I see that I have control issues.
Most of life is out of our control, it's best I trust the hands of the One Who holds it all together than my own feeble ones.

The last two levels of surrender are the deepest part of me.

Heart depths.

Soul depths.

Each year of marriage is a journey into deeper waters of selflessness.  I want to keep learning to fully surrender to my man.  He deserves it.  He's earned it.  He's proved himself safe.

But deep down... there's still that fear to trust - and be hurt...

That natural compulsion to self-protect.

To keep one final vulnerable layer of our heart hidden.

But I want to surrender, knowing hurts and healing will come along the way... but that loving fully will serve to strengthen this marriage infinitely more than half-hearted devotion.

My final prayer for this year is to surrender fully to my great God.

To love Him with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength.

 To let go of any thing that hinders my delight and pursuit of knowing Jesus more richly.
 This is one of those beautiful paradoxes... that in letting go of every.thing to hold more tightly to Him, I in fact gain every.thing that is everlasting.
love
joy
peace
hope

life, and life more abundantly.

So, I'm raising my little white flag over here... and with shaking hands I'm learning to wave it wild and free.

What word would you pick for this year, or this week, or this moment?

Mel ;o)