inner mamalogues...

I think we all have some Eeyore's in our life, don't we?

They tend to forecast rain when the sun is shining... or see the cloud and not the silver lining.

They predict the problems, but not the solutions.

They'd rather mope than marvel.

Complain than celebrate.

They're still pretty lovable though, in a sad sympathetic way.

Now, the real problem I have is the Eeyore inside.

And to some degree I think we all struggle with these 'voices' in our head throughout our life.

They tend to stick to a basic monologue:

"You're pathetic".

"You can't...."

"You're a loser.."

As a teenager it was more like:

"You're too fat. You're too lame. You're not worth hearing."

As an artist it was more like:

"You aren't original.  You have no training/skills. No one will appreciate your work"

Over the years I've started to recognise that vicious voice.

I've even started to realise that I didn't have to just passively listen to it... but could talk back!

Yes, I talk to the voices in my head.. and it sounds like this:

"shaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddduuuuppppp!".

 ----------------------------------

 Ok, but seriously.  You know what I wasn't prepared for?

The inner mamalogues that have now been hitting me hard. 

Only recently... as I've been coming out of the newborn stupor, and seeing our nest now filled with a fitful sleeper 5 month old boy, and a toddler tempest... have I been broad-sided.

 It's right at that moment when Azriel is screaming loudest (and I'm just waiting for her head to start spinning around)... and sure, maybe Hudson is crying too (probably because I looked sideways at something with dairy in it)... and lets just add that the phone is now ringing - that the voice inside starts declaring:

"You can't do this"

"You're a hot mess"

"This is never.going.to.stop"

"There's no escape even if you wanted it".

It's like getting beat up from the inside... while everything outside is kicking you down.

I asked my Ben the other day:

"Do you think I'm allowed to hit a post-partum depression this far after birth?!"

(Granted, I was over-tired and feeling irritable as a result).

But, it wasn't until I really assessed my thought patterns that I realised what's been the real Eeyore-factor here.

It's been an epiphany for me.

Not a miracle, but a moment of clarity.

I needed to stop listening to that inner-rant chant... and speak against it.

Not in some power-of-positive-thinking attempt... but speaking truth.

It doesn't mean the days are all aglow now.

But it does mean that when the tantrums and trials hit... this mama has stopped listening to the smack-talk, and started saying:

"By God's grace, you can do this"

"You were made for this"

"These treasures will not be this small for long"

"love.love.love"

"Be gentle with yourself, and them".

I don't know you guys, it's just been a wild ride lately... but these are some of the ponderings that this mama is facing - and sharing - in case they may just help even one sweet soul to break through their own inner.mamalogues.

 Kicking Eeyore to the curb,

Mel ;o)