perspective.gratitude... and a smudgy handprint.

 Perspective is such a powerful thing.

Whether we see our glass half full, or half empty, can really effect how we taste it as sweet, or bitter. Each day we are gifted with the 'present' of being present can either feel like a joy to unwrap... or the misery of another pair of itchy socks from ol' Aunt Gertrude.

To be honest, my heart tends to flip flop to both extremes... in any given five minutes.

But I'm learning, slowly, to flex the heart muscle of gratitude... so it can bear the weight and bounce back quicker from daily loads thrown at it, like that sack of moldering laundry in the corner.  

Gratitude is a real perspective changer.

Gratitude lets us look through things... instead of at them.

You know, instead of begrudging the dirty dishes.. look through them to see the blessing of food shared with family/friends.  Look through the chaos of toys and clutter on your floor, to the young souls in your care that love knowing you are there with them.

I was thinking this the other day as I saw this smudge of a hand print on our (finally) cleaned picture window.  I stared at that mess, hard. It represented a whole lot of futility to me in that moment. This never-ending cycle of clean the things, they mess the things, clean the things again can wear down even the most devoted of Cinderellas. But, this was the epiphany slowly unfurling in my heart - 'look through'.

 This isn't some idealised notion that you need to be enraptured with every disaster you encounter each day.  I still have nerve endings that twitch as they feel messes happening at the other end of the house. It's just a reminder to my heart, and maybe yours, to seize those moments to 'look through' the glass instead of just at the smeared hand print. 

I know some of us mamas can feel pretty worn out some days.

Trying to feel gratitude is maybe just vinegar in the wound... but if you could imagine some sweet elderly Grandma putting her hand over yours and saying: "I wish I could have one more day of your chaos and mess, just to hold my dear children on my lap again" would that help our perspectives?  Or, a friend drops by for tea and shares with tear stained eyes... that they have miscarried, again.  She looks at you and pleads: "treasure these blessings you've been given, for those of us who don't have them".

I don't want to waste a day.

Regretting, resenting, rejecting the presents given to me.

 I want the perspective of gratitude.

Gratitude to the Giver who entrusted me with this one precious life and three precious souls in our care.

Mel ;o)

 

growing new eyes.

So, when I was young, I knew everything.

Now that I'm getting older... I see how much there is to learn.

When I was a teenager, I painted a mural with the quote:
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes" (Marcel Proust)  I thought I was painting my sage-like perspective on that canvas.

Now that I'm older, I see those new eyes fluttering open.

There's an incredible re-birth that a parent is granted.

You get to see the world afresh through their dewy new eyes, and marvel at the things your eyes forgot were remarkable.  And the questions!  'Why is that the way it is?' 'Where does it come from?' 'How does it do that?'

And you start to see how little you really know,

and how glad you are to embark on this 'real voyage of discovery' right alongside them!

 

Today we watched the life cycles of a butterfly.

She coloured in a few of her favourite ones from our recent trip to a butterfly conservatory.

We hiked down to the river, collecting rocks, flowers and clam shells.

(Were they clams, mussels, or oysters? Thanks internet - clams!) 

God's wild world of wonder is unfolding new wings before our hungry eyes.

The marvel and the mystery.

The gratitude and the glee.

The wonder and wisdom.

 This mama's heart is in it's own metamorphosis.

Mel ;o)

she's the ONE:

Be still my heart.

Our little lamb, Talia, is officially a YEAR old today... where did that come from so suddenly?!

She's still the sweetest apple of her whole family's eye, I can never quite tell which one of us is most smitten with her. Our oldest, Azriel (5) still acts like every.day.is.Christmas to see her baby sister who is just "SOOOOO CUTE!!" she can't even handle it.

I still maintain that having a third child is a wonderful gift of 'perspective'.  Since the first two have grown in much the same blur of diapers and delight... I feel like this time I at least knew enough to stop and savour this child through each stage.

Despite sleepless nights and all the rest she may have syphoned from me.

I've counted (almost) all of them as extra moments to snuggle her.

This little bundle of blue eyes and two teeth loves her family.

She delights in peek-a-boo.

She squeals from tickles.

She eats ALL the food put before her!

She's a crawling machine.
She stills sits up at night and doesn't know how to lie down again...

And, she's our gift from God.

Happy Birthday little lamb.

xx

mama

dis.courage:

 There are days when the sun is shining, and I have a good day with the kids.

We've shared laughter, meals and tickles.

Then, just when you've let down you 'guard' - and you start to pride yourself on being a pretty decent mama - things start to unravel.

Someone is whining about the texture of their snack.

The baby is shrieking because she can't figure out how to lay down to nap.

The constellation of crumbs under the table is growing.

Every where I look I just see chaos and need.

I feel my eye starting to twitch.

Then, it just takes one little thing for me to crash like a house of cards.

Maybe like the futility of picking up that certain toy for the millionth time today.

I start to fume inside.

The child pees next to the potty instead of in it.

I choke-hold the air in front of me.

The phone rings right when I'm changing a diaper.

I feel utterly exasperated.

At this point I'm ripe to explode.

On the inside.

(I told my husband we'd be rich if we could patent a 'scream room' for mamas who are having a meltdown.  You know, just a sound proof - padded - space that we could have our own temper tantrum in.

Because I refuse to yell at my family, but if they were inside my head...)

Now, I've written before how isolating that moment feels, when you've seen such a beast of anger lurking within your own heart (confession post found here)... but I want to further share.

I think many of us step under a burden of discouragement at this stage.

Because after some 'blow out' of my anger, I fall into a sullen silent stage.  Moping around the house, smothering my heart with a heaping yoke of guilt and contempt.

I feel like I've seen many people fall into this rut... and lose all hope of climbing out.

Maybe because this dark under belly of parenting caught us by surprise.

We were told that there would be diapers and delights with having children.

We likely weren't told there would be deep discouragement and despair.

Because, if you ever want to feel like you're a pretty decent person, don't have kids.

(Actually, just keep yourself isolated from any and all things that put enough pressure on your heart to push out all the nasty bits lurking beneath the surface).

But, if you want to grow and learn what grace looks like.. have kids.

The path that shows our inner ugly bits in the brightest light, is also the path that leads us to humility.

To be honest, I was having one of these melt-down moments this week.

In the wake of this discouragement I happened to pull a book of our shelf and find this quote:

"It is of great importance to guard against discouragement on account of our faults.  Discouragement is not a fruit of humility, but of pride, and nothing can be worse.  It springs from a secret love of our own excellence.  We are hurt at feeling what we are.  If we become discouraged we are the more enfeebled, and from our reflections on our own imperfections, a chagrin arises that is often worse than the imperfection itself.  Poor nature longs from self-love to behold itself perfect; it is vexed that it is not so, it is impatient, haughty, and out of temper with itself and with everybody else.  Sad state; as though the work of God could be accomplished by our ill-humor.  As though the peace of God could be attained by our interior restlessness"

(quoting Fenelon from Hannah Whitall Smith's "The God of All Comfort")

---

I'm learning to find every trial and tempest that pushes me to despair in myself.. as a gift to look past myself.

Introspection in a bottomless vortex.

Guilt is a terrible motivator.

For me, looking to grace, looking outside myself to the Giver of grace, lifts my heart from this terrible rut.  When I see the God who reaches down to me in my brokenness (instead of waiting for me to be 'good enough' or 'perfect enough' to reach up to the heavens), I see hope.

When I am discouraged, I need to have the courage to behold Christ.

Every time I fail, to fall upon His grace afresh.

"..Where sin abounds, grace abounded all the more" Romans 5:20.

So, let's not resent those children for pointing out our darkest parts.

Let's not resent our imperfection and stroke the ego till it's purrs again.

Let us throw aside the burden of pride, and take on the light yoke of humility.

The harder path is the better path in the end.

Mel ;o)

 

 

..around our nest:

While the snow keeps piling up outside.. we're keeping cozy and creative in our nest.

Hope your week is going well friends!

Mel ;o)

confessions. hospitality 101.

 Confession:  I used to think that hospitality was on par with shoving burning splints under one's finger nails.  It's not that I didn't enjoy having people over... I did.  I just would get overwhelmed by the seemingly crushing ideals of what a hostess was supposed to be.

 ---

I used to think I had to be an amazing cook (or at least not break out in a cold sweat upon entering the kitchen).

It turns out there's this amazing device called the 'interwebs' whereby you can look up a recipe, find the most popular reviews, and cook without fear.

--- 

I used to think the house had to be spotless.  You know, since most of us want the world to think we live in a magazine cut-out of the perfect home.

It turns out that the real mess is where authenticity and humility are best served.

---

I used to think I'm too busy to serve others... with the three toddlers underfoot.

It's true, it is busy, but it's worth teaching them the value of opening our home to others.

---

I used to think I had to be super social and not introverted as a hostess.

Hospitality is the perfect solution... bring people IN to the comfort of your own cave.

Being a good listener can far outweigh filling the space with your own banter.

---

I used to think it cost too much to entertain.  Thinking that our grocery budget could not bear the added strain of extra food/drink.

It turns out that you can serve simply when you need to.

A cup of water, instead of a fancy martini, still tastes sweet amongst friends.

---

Every week our home is filled with different wonderful souls.

There's tea times, play dates with kids, dinners, evening coffees, occasional campfires, etc.

 For this, we are blessed.

---

It's only been during this past year that my head and heart have really embraced the beauty of hospitality.  Having shed the dusty notion from my mind that being 'stay-at-home' somehow meant 'cut off from everyone'.  Suddenly I've begun to see our home as the very ground of mission, the very spot from which I can serve and love others.  I still sometimes struggle with the above fears.  I still worry the meal will be a burnt offering.  The kids still go bat-crazy at 4:30.  I still wonder why on earth any one would want to step foot into our chaos some days...

...but they do.

And so, we learn the way of hospitality day by day.

Meal by meal.

It's not what we keep, but what we give, that fills our hearts.

Not what we hoard, but what we share, that fills our bellies.

You may recall the last post about hospitality,

quoting that 'love is an open door',

now I would add: love is an open table, too.

Serve up the feast!

Mel ;o)

-------------

P.S - I plan to add a small sequel post to this called "hospitality how-to's"... stay tuned, friends.

 

 

My biggest regret:

I know, I know... this is no longer a 'crafty/creative/d.i.y' themed blog anymore...

this is all mama - all the time - isn't it?

I'm ok with that.

It's the season of life I'm in, and I'm lovin' it.

Because the crazy thing is... that creative side of me would never have guessed that this 'mama' side of me existed a few years ago.

As an artist - my passion was all consuming, and I couldn't imagine how I would ever have such a thrill from little messy munchkins running around my home.

You may recall that post a long time ago about how my guy and I never ever planned to pursue having kids (though I had visions of a home filled with teenage foster kids).

You may also remember the more recent post about discovering that this latest 'surprise baby' was going to be added to our nest.

 ------------------------------

And you know what I regret most?

I regret that I thought we would regret having this new baby.

I regret that I ever thought having any kids would be a hassle.

I regret that I was so cynical about the precious value of a soul.

-----------------------------

Now I couldn't imagine our family without this sweet new daughter in it.

Now, I don't live with regret... but I rejoice.

I hold these souls with gratitude.

Thankful that God would bless us with them.

Grateful that they fill our home and hearts.

mama Mel ;o)

 

That moment...

...when you see your four year old daughter sweetly 'reading' a book to your newborn daughter...

...and you realise there's no where else in the world you'd rather be.

 -----

Happy weekend'ing friends!

What are you all up to?

If we're really feeling ambitious we may partake of the local Maple syrup festivities... nothing beats twirling hot syrup off the snow into an instant sticky lollipop of sweetness!

Mel ;o)

bliss + blessing...

*****

 curled little fingers
tender little toes
tiny tendrils
unfurling to her new world.

holding each moment
letting them go
each wave of love
deepens this ocean of my heart.

*****

Can you tell I'm feeling a bit blissed out here friends?
I want to savour every second, knowing how quickly they flit and flutter away.
Maybe it's the warmth of the sun.
The doves out the window building their nest.
The delight of our children's giggles.
The support of my Ben's presence.
The ease of this newborn's arrival.
All is good right now.

Real good.

Especially knowing that days will still be crazy.
Still be chaotic.
Still stretch me past my strength.

For now, in this moment, I take these beautiful gifts and hold them with joy.
And, as I see them all pointing to the Giver of all good things... my joy is exponentially deepened to worship.
Thankfulness, gratitude ~ the heart of worship.

In hard days and delightful days, God's beauty shines the same.
 Feasting on that divine presence makes every.thing, all.things glow with wonder.

The laundry.
The suckling babe.
The dirty dishes.
The threading of sewing machine.
Can all become instruments of praise.
 When the heart is tuned right.
Turned right.
To the Light.

Walking on sunshine.
Taking off my shoes,
it's holy ground.

Mel ;o)

Our growing nest:

Here she is friends!

The freshest, sweetest, new addition to our nest:

Talia Grace.

(Tal'ee'ah - 'heaven's dew/little lamb')

She is all 7lbs 13oz of dark haired cuteness.

-------------------

Born this wednesday morning at 12:13am - after the fastest (natural) labour I've ever had (more to come on that story).

For now we're just resting and soaking up the love of family time here.

I think I'm suffering from post.partum.delight!

Thanks for all your celebration and affection guys!

Blessed mama,

Mel ;o)

The wonder years...

Yeah, they're cool like that.

I'm not sure how much credit we can take for these two characters... a four year old and two year old who are packed full of zaniness and zip!

Parenting seems packed with those 'surreal' moments when you look at your offspring and go:

"woah... we made those little humans!".

 ----

I wonder when the reality of all .. this... truly sinks in.

Is it when they have their first day of school?

Or, when they give their first speech or science project?

When they graduate?

Maybe when they ask for the keys to the car?

Or, when they tell you they want to marry that special soul?

When they announce you'll be a grandparent?

 ----

I don't know, maybe this surreal wonder is part of the parenting journey through each step.

But I'm sure blessed to be a part of it.

Mel ;o)

*P.S... annnnnd, yes we are still waiting for this new bundle that's still happy to keep brewing in my belly - overdue as usual!

a thank.FULL. list.

 Hello friends, we are still here!

This long winter is in full force again today: a white out of sideways drifting fat flakes across the windows.  While last night our home was hit with a black out... which made for a quiet evening of candle light and early bedtimes (granted, not much sleep was being had - our lil' guy was croupy).

All that to say - it's these times that are a good reminder to be thank.FULL.

Especially when the power goes out, and you start to see afresh how most of our existence hangs by a delicate thread called 'electricity'.

You start to remind yourself of what really matters.

(Then Facebook goes and makes a 10 year celebration video of your life.. and you're reminded of every thing that is most dear).

Faith.
Family.

Friends.

+ I'm so thank FULL for a God Who loves and pursues me with His grace even on my worst days.

+ I'm delighted to house this 'almost ready' daughter in my womb.

+ Blessed to be called 'mama', wife, friend, daughter, sister, niece.

+ I'm thank FULL for this daughter who is packed with four years of spunk.

+ Touched by her sweetness to draw/write love notes to all her family with big letters spelling "VELO" (that's love).

+ In wonder (and shock) of her endless energy and talkative spirit.

+ I'm thank FULL for this son who is almost two years of curiosity.

+ Despite sporting a new goose egg every.day. he dives in to his play with total abandon.

+ I delight in the way he rushes over for a quick hug or kiss to 'recharge' throughout the day.

+ I'm thank FULL for a husband that just keeps getting better every year (and I thought I scored a good deal to begin with!).

+ I'm honoured to journey with him and see God refining and reviving his heart each day.

+ Blessed by his care for our family... and the way he works all day (when it's available) and still finds the energy to make the kids run squealing with laughter and tickles in the evening.

----

Gratitude has a way of snowballing in to more thankfulness.

There's just.so.much in any given day to hold with wonder if we have the eyes to see it.

That friend you can call any time because they 'get' you.

The note in the mail from someone who wants to bless you.

The sweetness of a shared cup of coffee with your man... or a 'pretend tea party' with kids.

 The warmth of a home in the blizzard of today.

SO much.

I'm not going to lie though, often it's easier to see the cup half empty.

To begrudge the things that are seemingly 'missing' or going wrong in one's day.
Life has the bitter and the sweet, almost every moment, really.

But choosing to focus on the daily blessings has a powerful way of sweetening even the bitter moments... and that's a heart muscle I want to get better at flexing.

Thank.FULL.hearted,
Mel ;o)

Seeing the real gifts among us:

"Where society is rightly ordered children are regarded, not as an encumbrance, 

but as an inheritance; and they are recieved, not with regret, but as a reward"

C.H.Spurgeon.

I read this quote in a book the other day and it hit me right between the eyes.

Because some moments it's really hard to see your kids through eyes of grace and gratitude.

Cue those times of whining, power struggles, disobedience and all around mayhem.

Those moments when you shock yourself with how hot your blood boils, and how insane your thoughts whirl.

Motherhood can be really hard.

It can have you so discouraged you wonder how any of you will make it through another day.

That's just the honest truth.

 But it truly is a gift.

Children are an inheritance.

We mothers 'in the trenches' sometimes lose sight of that.

 The stick and grime of daily messes that require continual cleaning cloud our eyes to the sparkling truth beneath.

That little 'mess maker' is a beautiful soul entrusted to our care.

----

Sometimes we just need to step outside of the daily chaos and hear the voices of those with a clearer perspective:

The aged Grandma... who's eyes twinkle with the remembrance of tiny footsteps.

The empty-nest Mother... who wonders at how quickly her kids grew and moved away.

The friends/family who have miscarried... and long to hold such a gift in their own arms.

The Author of Creation... who knits the soul together in their Mother's womb.

----

These voices all say remember.

That precious child in your care is a gift.

Better than any parcel under your tree.

Opening layers of your own heart you didn't know were there.

I know my heart needs these reminders daily.

To treasure these moments 'gifted' to me.

When I look back at moments like these, how can I not delight in our inheritance?

Hope you squeeze the ones you love tighter today

(just not around the neck)!

mama Mel ;o)

 

Four > she's the birthday girl!

How do four years hold so much... heavy with rich memories, laughter, lessons (and lunacy).

Yet they disappear so quickly like rainbow coated bubbles from the playful blow of a child's wand.

We are richer for these four years.

We celebrate our darling daughter.

The silly, playful, dramatic, sensitive, creative spirit that she keeps growing up in to.

Happy 4th birthday you sweet lil' imp!

Mel ;o)

A sip of cider and catching up..

Oh hiiii, yes, we're still alive and well here!

Thanksgiving has come and gone here last weekend.. and I'm still sipping cider and nibbling leftover ham.  Most of the leaves have fallen around here, though a few trees are still ablaze against these rainy grey days.

Things I'm thankful for right about now:

+ a hot soak in the tub.

+ kids that are equal parts mischief and hilarity.

+ books that feed my soul.

+ hot chocolate with gooey marshmallows.

+ conversations with my man.

+ friends within walking distance.

+ washed dishes.

+ rain against the windows.

+ the sweet hallowed silence of evening.

Just to name a few...

..oh, and a sweet baby GIRL kicking gently from my belly! 

Hope the week is being sweet to you friends,

Mel ;o)

confessions [of a Mama] part.15.

This 'mama-gig' ain't for sissies is it?

Some days I feel like I'm in the right rhythm.. and we're all dancing in sunbeams and laughter.

Some days it feels like I've fallen right off the track and been run over by a hoard of zombies.

But you know, after almost four years of being a mama so far... I'm starting to discover what my biggest struggle is.

Not the pregnancy-go-pukey rides.

Not the breastfeeding-why-is-baby-screaming nights.

Not the sleepless stupor I still seem to exist in.

Not the potty-training-guantlet.

Not the tantrum-testing-throw downs to deal with.

No...

Confession: my biggest struggle in parenting is me.

More specifically it's called the self-pity vortex.

-----------

Self-pity is a merciless beast.

A selfish, self-centered, Eeyore party for one.. and the cake is made of poop.

I've seen it raise it's ugly head throughout my life, sure... since I'm human and all.

But I've never experienced it's full choke hold so powerfully as when I'm mothering.

Because mothering in so many ways - is all about 'losing yourself'.  Your wants, your needs, your desires take the back-burner to the wants/needs/desires of these lil' people that now carry your heart in their hands.

Some days you just want to yank that heart back.

Just a little 'me' time, you say.

------------

Today was one of those days.

The kids had co-conspired to take separate sleep shifts/whine+wail shifts so that I could grasp no moment of reprieve.  No indulgent moment of napping.. or 'me' time.

Mentally crumpling up my 'to-do-lists' which makes the day feel like a unproductive waste.

Thus, the self-pity vortex started spinning.

My teeth started gritting.

My words started spitting.

My thoughts started festering:

"Why am I stuck here (ouch!).. doing alllll the work (not true!)... never getting a break (lies!).. and what's the quickest way to post my kids for FREE on Kijiji??! (exaggeration)"!

Um, yeah, self-pity tends toward hyperbole... in that all things are SO extreme.. and that NO ONE else can know what you're feeling/facing right now... boo hoo hoo.

No matter how enticing these pity-parties seem to be at first, they always end in the gutter.

I'm a misery.  My kids see my at my worst.

(Oh, and let's not forget the extra round of guilt for being such a 'bad mother' that gives me a bonus spin cycle in the self-pity vortex).

So, here I am at my seeming 'worst' - that point where I start to convince myself no other Mom must feel this wildness of "I'm going to eat my own young" animal kingdom wildness - and I'm feeling pretty broken.

The kind of broken that produces the truest prayers.

"God, I'm a wreck here".

"God, I'm sick of wasting my time, and energy on self-pity"

"Teach me grace, teach me love, teach me gratitude".

Much like this incredibly practical book I'm reading states:

"God's love rescues us from self-love so that we will be able to love others".

 

Because in the end, self-pity is the deranged sister of self-love.

It keeps our focus inward... all about ME... and what I want from my life.

Motherhood is a call to selfless love that rises above our own navel gazing.

A love that gives and lifts and restores and teaches and builds into the lives of others.

God knows I need His grace to live that out each day.

Now, when I feel the self-pity vortex starting to spin... I fight back.

Don't waste my time.

Don't waste my love.

Keep me grateful.

Keep me grace-full.

Each day as mothers we are living out a legacy.

Will our kids remember us as resenting what they 'took' from us.. or remember us for rejoicing over what we gave to them?

Still learning here,

mama Mel ;o)

 

 

 

FALLing for delights...

leaf raking

apple pie baking

cider sipping

tea bibbing

market shopping

 playground hopping

church singing

hearts ringing

family feasting

bellies increasing

...

All things bright and beautiful.

Savouring this sweet Fall season.

What are you grateful for lately?

Mel ;o)