confessions of an (unlikely) homeschooling mama:

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled" - Plutarch.

There is a new glow crackling and warming up this heart of mine.
A fire that once seemed frightening and engulfing, is now one I eagerly dance around and roast marshmallows by.

It's been a wild ride, seeing how my heart was trapped on the fence for so long about whether I could hack being a homeschooling mama.. and now feeling what I do (joy) about it all.

Because, I used to have so many concerns, fears and frustrations about this issue.

I had all the 'arguments' one would use against such a decision down pat.

I also had all the common excuses, too.

The big (nasty) one being: 'how could I handle being around my kid all the day long?!'

But now, the joy of watching these children learn, explore, play, laugh and engage in this amazing world around them - outweighs the crazy with such deep awe.
I'm really savouring this time I have with them.
We've been learning so much already, and I've seen a huge shift in my outlook.
The biggest change for me being: the pursuit of intentional/teachable moments.

I think I always struggled with viewing myself as 'teaching material' because I wasn't intentional about weaving discovery, wonder and learning into our average days.
Learning to learn like a child again.  What a thrill! 

Homeschooling isn't easy, but it's good.  Like most things in life.

Before we decided to go ahead with this, I always feared what a furnace it would be for my heart.  I feared what frustration or anger would boil up in me when faced with the hurdles along the way.  But I'm learning to trust God's providential hand - and timing - in every.little.crazy thing that comes my way.  So if the lesson doesn't go as planned, or the kids are all taking turns to wail and whine on my lap, and the phone is ringing, and the dish water has turned cold... there is a peace in the chaos. It turns out this furnace is a refining one.

And, like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (Daniel 3)... I am not standing in the fires alone.

Once again, I am seeing... this home, this crumb cluttered floor... is holy ground.

Mel ;o)

 

dis.courage:

 There are days when the sun is shining, and I have a good day with the kids.

We've shared laughter, meals and tickles.

Then, just when you've let down you 'guard' - and you start to pride yourself on being a pretty decent mama - things start to unravel.

Someone is whining about the texture of their snack.

The baby is shrieking because she can't figure out how to lay down to nap.

The constellation of crumbs under the table is growing.

Every where I look I just see chaos and need.

I feel my eye starting to twitch.

Then, it just takes one little thing for me to crash like a house of cards.

Maybe like the futility of picking up that certain toy for the millionth time today.

I start to fume inside.

The child pees next to the potty instead of in it.

I choke-hold the air in front of me.

The phone rings right when I'm changing a diaper.

I feel utterly exasperated.

At this point I'm ripe to explode.

On the inside.

(I told my husband we'd be rich if we could patent a 'scream room' for mamas who are having a meltdown.  You know, just a sound proof - padded - space that we could have our own temper tantrum in.

Because I refuse to yell at my family, but if they were inside my head...)

Now, I've written before how isolating that moment feels, when you've seen such a beast of anger lurking within your own heart (confession post found here)... but I want to further share.

I think many of us step under a burden of discouragement at this stage.

Because after some 'blow out' of my anger, I fall into a sullen silent stage.  Moping around the house, smothering my heart with a heaping yoke of guilt and contempt.

I feel like I've seen many people fall into this rut... and lose all hope of climbing out.

Maybe because this dark under belly of parenting caught us by surprise.

We were told that there would be diapers and delights with having children.

We likely weren't told there would be deep discouragement and despair.

Because, if you ever want to feel like you're a pretty decent person, don't have kids.

(Actually, just keep yourself isolated from any and all things that put enough pressure on your heart to push out all the nasty bits lurking beneath the surface).

But, if you want to grow and learn what grace looks like.. have kids.

The path that shows our inner ugly bits in the brightest light, is also the path that leads us to humility.

To be honest, I was having one of these melt-down moments this week.

In the wake of this discouragement I happened to pull a book of our shelf and find this quote:

"It is of great importance to guard against discouragement on account of our faults.  Discouragement is not a fruit of humility, but of pride, and nothing can be worse.  It springs from a secret love of our own excellence.  We are hurt at feeling what we are.  If we become discouraged we are the more enfeebled, and from our reflections on our own imperfections, a chagrin arises that is often worse than the imperfection itself.  Poor nature longs from self-love to behold itself perfect; it is vexed that it is not so, it is impatient, haughty, and out of temper with itself and with everybody else.  Sad state; as though the work of God could be accomplished by our ill-humor.  As though the peace of God could be attained by our interior restlessness"

(quoting Fenelon from Hannah Whitall Smith's "The God of All Comfort")

---

I'm learning to find every trial and tempest that pushes me to despair in myself.. as a gift to look past myself.

Introspection in a bottomless vortex.

Guilt is a terrible motivator.

For me, looking to grace, looking outside myself to the Giver of grace, lifts my heart from this terrible rut.  When I see the God who reaches down to me in my brokenness (instead of waiting for me to be 'good enough' or 'perfect enough' to reach up to the heavens), I see hope.

When I am discouraged, I need to have the courage to behold Christ.

Every time I fail, to fall upon His grace afresh.

"..Where sin abounds, grace abounded all the more" Romans 5:20.

So, let's not resent those children for pointing out our darkest parts.

Let's not resent our imperfection and stroke the ego till it's purrs again.

Let us throw aside the burden of pride, and take on the light yoke of humility.

The harder path is the better path in the end.

Mel ;o)

 

 

confessions (of the heart).

 I'm going to be honest with you, friends.

There have been moments, and there have been days, where I feel overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by the to-do lists.

Overwhelmed by trying to be a 'good enough' parent.

Or, a 'good enough' wife.

Or, a 'good enough' friend.

Trying to cover all the bases... and it turn, feeling spread too thin.

"There's just too many 'good' things!  I'm no good at keeping up with them all!" I'd sigh.

At that point, the mountain of dirty dishes, or laundry.. or sin in my heart... would be enough to throw me into an internal fit of 'shutting down'.

"I'll just seethe inwardly until I survive to the end of this day.. sleep it 'off' and TRY, try again tomorrow" I'd think.

Repeat cycle.

Repeatedly overwhelmed.

Call it a 'Saviour complex' if you want - this gauntlet of trying to be 'all things' for all the needs around you.  But I call it a misplaced FOCUS.

Because you know what I keep discovering?

When I keep the ONE THING my main thing... all the other things fall in their proper place.

I was meditating on Psalm 27.  That beautiful verse came off the page at me:

 "One thing have I asked of the Lord,

that will I seek after:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter

in the day of trouble;

he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;

he will lift me high upon a rock."

This was the answer to all my weariness.  This is the joy in all the whirlwind of life.  When I get my sights fixed on Jesus I get overwhelmed again.

Overwhelmed by His grace and love towards me.

Overwhelmed with care and compassion towards those around me.

Once my heart stays focused on this ONE THING, I am empowered to attend all the other things.  For when my 'vertical' gaze is set right, my 'horizontal' gaze sees all the needs and lives of others through this cross-centred lens.

When I look to the 'things I do' to define me, I resent them and grow weary.

When I look to 'who I am in Christ' to define me, I rejoice and serve eagerly.

I think it's right back to that recent post I wrote about being like Martha or Mary.

If my heart is consumed with anxiety, I know I'm running off a horizontal perspective.

If my heart is overwhelmed with a peace beyond my power, I know the vertical perspective of gazing on the goodness of the gospel has lavished my heart.

This is my testimony.

When the days and moments feel overwhelming, when it feels like I'm drowning.

I look to Christ, and know my feet stand high upon that rock.

I hope and pray this sure footing is in your lives as well friends.

Warmly,

Mel ;o)

confessions (of an artist/mama)...

I used to define myself as an artist.

Then I had kids.

So, 'Mama-stay-at-home-artist-on-the-side'... was a bit of a mouthful.

I soon found that both these passions were rather all-consuming feeling.  I felt torn between both worlds that I wanted to play in... all the while resenting the other voices calling for my attention.

Maybe you know this feeling?

Maybe you've discovered, as I have, that these kids are the masterpieces requiring my attention.

Canvas, colours and creating can wait.  These growing creations cannot.  I will not have my children look back on their lives and wish their mama was more present to play than practising her paint strokes.

But, for now, I take any creative outlet as a perk.  Because I know I still need the outlet.  I feel my blood pressure drop when I create.  It's good for the kids to see mama still doing her passions too... but even better, alongside them!

That means, when the kids are painting... I love to sit and paint with them.

When the crayons are smudging, my fingers are in it too.

Then, during naps or bedtime.... I sneak a few more moments to paint.

How do you find your outlets for creativity?

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Post Script:  My apologies for not having the COMICS here lately... a few projects of late are channelling all my extra time (eager to show in the future!).

Creatively yours,

Mel ;o) 

 

confessions. hospitality 101.

 Confession:  I used to think that hospitality was on par with shoving burning splints under one's finger nails.  It's not that I didn't enjoy having people over... I did.  I just would get overwhelmed by the seemingly crushing ideals of what a hostess was supposed to be.

 ---

I used to think I had to be an amazing cook (or at least not break out in a cold sweat upon entering the kitchen).

It turns out there's this amazing device called the 'interwebs' whereby you can look up a recipe, find the most popular reviews, and cook without fear.

--- 

I used to think the house had to be spotless.  You know, since most of us want the world to think we live in a magazine cut-out of the perfect home.

It turns out that the real mess is where authenticity and humility are best served.

---

I used to think I'm too busy to serve others... with the three toddlers underfoot.

It's true, it is busy, but it's worth teaching them the value of opening our home to others.

---

I used to think I had to be super social and not introverted as a hostess.

Hospitality is the perfect solution... bring people IN to the comfort of your own cave.

Being a good listener can far outweigh filling the space with your own banter.

---

I used to think it cost too much to entertain.  Thinking that our grocery budget could not bear the added strain of extra food/drink.

It turns out that you can serve simply when you need to.

A cup of water, instead of a fancy martini, still tastes sweet amongst friends.

---

Every week our home is filled with different wonderful souls.

There's tea times, play dates with kids, dinners, evening coffees, occasional campfires, etc.

 For this, we are blessed.

---

It's only been during this past year that my head and heart have really embraced the beauty of hospitality.  Having shed the dusty notion from my mind that being 'stay-at-home' somehow meant 'cut off from everyone'.  Suddenly I've begun to see our home as the very ground of mission, the very spot from which I can serve and love others.  I still sometimes struggle with the above fears.  I still worry the meal will be a burnt offering.  The kids still go bat-crazy at 4:30.  I still wonder why on earth any one would want to step foot into our chaos some days...

...but they do.

And so, we learn the way of hospitality day by day.

Meal by meal.

It's not what we keep, but what we give, that fills our hearts.

Not what we hoard, but what we share, that fills our bellies.

You may recall the last post about hospitality,

quoting that 'love is an open door',

now I would add: love is an open table, too.

Serve up the feast!

Mel ;o)

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P.S - I plan to add a small sequel post to this called "hospitality how-to's"... stay tuned, friends.

 

 

confessions (of a mama) part.21.

I used to have a love.hate relationship with this place.

Loving the (rare) moment it was clean, hating the (usual) moments it was a mess.

I used to get really overwhelmed by the task of keeping our house decent'ish.

House cleaning always seemed like a necessary evil in my life.

I would clean it with the power of *rage*...rubbing the dirty spots clean while muttering dirty words under my breath.

This ol' house often taunted me like the Hydra monster of Hercules... for every head I cut off, three more sprang from it's root.

Like a continual game of whack-a-mole... the dust bunnies and grime kept popping up their heads.  Sometimes I'd catch myself begrudging the little mess-makers around me.  "If only they would just clean up their toys right away" "If only he would just put it back where it came from".

Sometimes I'd catch myself wishing for a natural disaster: "If only a house fire would do the cleaning for me!".

 -------------

So, needless to say, keeping this house clean really showed the dirt in my heart.

------------

Because I used to love when I thought my heart was clean, and I hated when I saw the sin festering there.  I'd get overwhelmed by the mess.  For every sin I thought I conquered, three more sprang up.

The problem was, I was trying to do it all with my own elbow grease.

As if I could rub my heart clean by pretending perfection.

"We have all become like one who is unclean,
    and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment."

(Isaiah 64:6) 

--------------------------- 

Back to house work.  Guess what the winning solution was?

Maintenance.

I used to just let the dishes pile up all day, and then in an overwhelmed heave of exasperation I'd clean them late into the evening. 

Now I do a bit in the morning, after lunch, after dinner.

Small, manageable piles.

The art of home maintenance.

It takes only a few minutes to sweep.

Fifteen minutes to wash a floor.

Another fifteen to clean the bathroom.

Instead of sitting on the couch feeling guilt and anger over the mess, I just had to get up and 'crack on' and see how quickly they could be dealt with.

What freedom!

 --------------------

Maintenance works for most levels of our lives.

Keep in touch with people regularly.. it's easier than putting them off for months and trying to reconnect.

Keep in communication with your partner.. it's easier than festering in silence and isolation.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle.. it's easier than the heart-attack to restart.

Keep the path to your prayer room well worn... it's easier to go to God quickly when your heart is kept soft.

Maintenance.

I'm still learning the value of such a word in my life too.

Mel ;o)

 

 

Confessions (of a Mel) part 18.

Ever feel like your sense of self-perception is a bit.. off?

I remember years ago asking my husband to 'describe me in one word' (while I was imagining that he would likely say "mellow" or "easy-going")... he replied: "animated".

WHAT?!!  I said with arms waving.... "animated??!".

 -----

Sometimes we need someone else to give us the objective perspective.

But the real question is, would we even let them?

 Because it seems we are living in a culture that fosters being thin-skinned.  We are easily offended.  Easily defensive.  Easily wounded.

What makes us so insecure?  So hostile to any one saying that we may have a 'flaw'?  While we freely admit that we aren't perfect (since we are human after all)... we quickly resent anyone for having the audacity to point that out to us.

What if we saw the critiques and constructive criticisms as a doctor's scalpel?

Sure, it cuts deep, it hurts.

But maybe.. just maybe, it's helping to cut out a tumour.

Maybe it's there to help us see the sickness.

Would we pull the scalpel away and say "hey, mind your own business, that tumour is just part of who I am... leave me alone".

I hope not.

Whether it comes from the criticisms of someone cruel, or as the gentle rebuke from a close friend - can we perceive what slivers of truth may be there - and grow from it?

 It's so easy to be defensive.  It's so natural to self-justify.

 

Personally I have found immense freedom in knowing that my identity is hidden in Who Jesus is.  I have been accepted by His grace.  I see my imperfections, sure.  But they no longer condemn me, or taunt me, or accuse me.  They simply echo 'grace' afresh... that I have been saved by grace, despite my pitiful performance.

So, I hope my friends feel safe to confront me when I need it.

To know that I will respect, and love them all the deeper for it (even if I throw a small hissy fit at first... I'm still in process here).  Because my ability to see my own 'issues' is fairly hazy.

Most days I think I'm pretty awesome.

Maybe I have a pride issue...

But I'll tell you what, I am hungry for a few good friends.  A few true, real friends who aren't afraid to 'offend' me with a loving smack up the head.

I may even attempt to return the favour... if you'll let me.

---------------------------

Pride comes from not knowing yourself and the world. The older you grow, and the more you see, the less reason you will find for being proud. Ignorance and inexperience are the pedestal of pride; once the pedestal is removed – pride will soon come down.

J.C. Ryle

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humbly yours,

Mel ;o)

confessions (of a mama) part.20.

For a mama who is literally *never* alone, there are still times that feel painfully lonely.

 

Maybe it's true for most mothers - this battle with isolation.

 

It seems odd, that in light of all these wee ones around us continually vying for our attention, that we could feel alone.  It seems confusing that despite all the frequent play groups and visitors throughout the week that this feeling can persist.

 

I'll tell you when I feel most alone... is after an especially difficult day with the kids.

After all the wailing, rebelling and disobedience has pushed me to the brink.

After the anger has boiled my blood and shook me down to my very marrow.

After my hands are quivering from the strain of trying to hold back this wild beast inside.

 The battle of speaking firmly - but calmly - while my insides are screaming.

 

Trying to keep that monster of anger stuffed inside is isolating.

Because it feels like you're the only one who sees it.

Like, a dirty secret.

Secrets separate us.

Prevents intimacy.

Prevents into-me-see.

 

When my husband comes home and asks 'how was your day?'... and I give him that wild eyed stare.  The 'PTSD (post toddler stress disorder)' kind of stare that says, "I'm barely keeping it together here".

He gets it.

He knows me.

But still, not enough....

There's a loneliness that runs deeper than your soul mate can reach.

 

------------------

 

 This is the kind of heart ache that is a megaphone crying out for the deepest connection.

The reunion of my heart to the heart Who made me.

Christ Jesus

Saviour

Husband

Friend

Redeemer

Shelter

Comfort

He alone knows me deepest.

Sees my heart.

Loves me still.

---

 

Every other distraction we seek to fill this void will leave us empty.

Feasting on Facebook, tuning out to television, burying ourselves in books, pursuing pleasures, exercising excessively.... any good thing we try to turn in to the ONLY delight, becomes an added obstacle to true fulfillment.

 

'Our hearts are restless, till they find their rest in Thee' - Augustine.

-----

 

Weary mamas, fatigued friends, I hope you know where to find the deepest rest.

To be known in the deepest intimacy possible, and loved extravagantly through grace.

 

 I pray that you would taste and see He is good,

Yes, His love is better than wine.

Mel ;o)

 

 

turning over a new leaf:

 A fresh bouquet of lilacs.

A warm cup of coffee.

An open book.

These are the moments of sweet solitude and serenity I savour.

Now if any of you have been around this blog for a while (almost two years ago) you may remember that I had confessed to not reading books.... like, ever.

Maybe it was post-college book burnout, but I was never keen to pick up a book and read if I was afforded any *spare* time in the day.  Who has time to read?  I just wanted to craft, create, and post d.i.y's in the past.

But now I read... and read.

Thus, the creating is happening in my mind - new worlds, new thoughts, new perspectives!

I've been marinating a lot of my time in books about motherhood... my husband says it's a sign of reading to the point of 'saturation' on one topic when I start to find that all the books are saying the same thing to me.  Hmmm.  Moving on then.

I'm also re-reading some of my favourites about living a Christ-centered life.

The simple truths are the ones we need to be constantly reminded of it seems.

---------------------------------

Maybe I should start posting book-reviews here, but for now.. here's a list with links to all the books I've been most enjoying over the past few months:

Motherhood (from a Christ-centered perspective):

* Christ in the Chaos. - Kim Crandall

* Surprised by Motherhood. - Lisa-Jo Baker

* Fit to Burst. - Rachel Jankovic

* Housewife Theologian.- Aimee Byrd

Christ centered living:

* Counsel from the Cross - Elyse Fitzpatrick/Dennis Johnson

* The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness - Tim Keller

* Broken-Down House - Paul David Tripp

....and a few more... that are all singing the same note: grace, grace, grace!  I keep thinking that every author is saying the same thing (no matter which book I happen to be in) so methinks this is the message God is trying to get through: nothing I ever did/or will do can change the great love He has lavished on me through His Son Jesus.

While the more I reflect on, and wonder at, that great love which took my place on the cross... the more I am inspired to live a life of gratitude and worship.

So there you have it,

this ol' dog can learn new tricks.

Or, I'm turning over a new leaf... well, many leaves actually.

Bookworm mama,

Mel ;o)

 

Confessions of a frog/princess/prince?... a perspective:

 Ever feel like you're caught in the awkward, gangly, nothing-seems-'normal' stage of life?

Maybe you just got a grip on how to be a toddler, and suddenly you have to navigate the school yard.  Maybe you just figured out how to be a care free child, and then puberty hit.

Lets all just admit that puberty/teen years/highschool are probably the biggest gauntlet of awkwardness for all of us to navigate.

Then you're supposed to be an 'adult'.

Good luck with that too.

 ------

And as I read this book on Tadpoles and Frogs to our little guy, I'm reminded again: we all are in these wild stages of metamorphosis from the moment we are born, to the moment we die.

Don't sweat trying to be a princess, or a prince... embrace the wonder all around you - all of us, awkwardly growing through various stages.

All of us needing grace, needing kindness, needing encouragement from one another.

The pond is far too big, for us to be so consumed with our own tiny lily pad.

------------

Or, as the prolific writer/pastor John Piper shared so beautifully in his Letter to an Incomplete, Insecure Teenager (worth the full read!):

 "...God is good. He has his plan and it is not to make this metamorphosis easy. Just certain. There are a thousand lessons to be learned in the process. Nothing is wasted. Life is not on hold waiting for the great coming-out. That's what larvae do in the cocoon. But frogs are public all the way though the foolishness of change.

I think the key for me was finding help in the Apostle Paul and C. S. Lewis and my father, all of whom seemed incredibly healthy, precisely because they were so absolutely amazed at everything but themselves.

They showed me that the highest mental health is not liking myself but being joyfully interested in everything but myself. They were the type of people who were so amazed that people had noses—not strange noses, just noses—that walking down any busy street was like a trip to the zoo. O yes, they themselves had noses, but they couldn’t see their own. And why would they want to? Look at all these noses they are free to look at! Amazing..."

(an excerpt).

Yep, here's our wonder-fully unique noses everybody.

Have a beautiful day revelling in your pond today, no matter how awkward you may think you look trying to swim.  Trust me, you are a wonder!

Mel ;o)

My biggest regret:

I know, I know... this is no longer a 'crafty/creative/d.i.y' themed blog anymore...

this is all mama - all the time - isn't it?

I'm ok with that.

It's the season of life I'm in, and I'm lovin' it.

Because the crazy thing is... that creative side of me would never have guessed that this 'mama' side of me existed a few years ago.

As an artist - my passion was all consuming, and I couldn't imagine how I would ever have such a thrill from little messy munchkins running around my home.

You may recall that post a long time ago about how my guy and I never ever planned to pursue having kids (though I had visions of a home filled with teenage foster kids).

You may also remember the more recent post about discovering that this latest 'surprise baby' was going to be added to our nest.

 ------------------------------

And you know what I regret most?

I regret that I thought we would regret having this new baby.

I regret that I ever thought having any kids would be a hassle.

I regret that I was so cynical about the precious value of a soul.

-----------------------------

Now I couldn't imagine our family without this sweet new daughter in it.

Now, I don't live with regret... but I rejoice.

I hold these souls with gratitude.

Thankful that God would bless us with them.

Grateful that they fill our home and hearts.

mama Mel ;o)

 

Confessions (of a mama) part.17.

Ok, last post about being pregnant.... like, ever.  I think.

Because I'm hitting the 39 weeks mark, which means I'm almost at 10 months pregnant (yeah, who says 9 months.. because, really?!... no.).

And, I'm ready.

Which seems like a loaded statement.

Ready.

But for once, I'm feeling totally psyched for this whole labour and deliver out your prize experience.

(Last night I thought I was even maybe starting in to things with some fun cramping.. and got so full of adrenaline about the thought of it being 'go time' that I was shaking.

Of course, nothing in the end).

But I'm really eager and excited and delighted about the thought of holding this little girl soooon!  The fears I had before about 'not knowing how we can handle another' or 'how do I even do this baby thing again' have been replaced with a peace and joy about embracing all that craziness again.  We'll call that a spiritual makeover since I couldn't muster that up myself.

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Sure, I still feel like I don't know how to handle our *epic* emotional erupting 4 year old most days... and our sweet 2 year old is discovering how to throw it down in his own way now... but I'm ready for a baby!

Maybe the toddler stage is what's getting me all the more eager for a wee lil' darling...

Because some days parenting tends to feel like you're running up a downward escalator, or playing an endless game of whack-a-mole at the carnival.  The messes, the tantrums, the downright crazy chaos of the moments.

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But when the day is done, and those little ones snuggle in and want one last hug and kiss... and think: I don't want to miss this...  because I will. miss. this. when they are grown and gone.

And it's then that the toddler stage is what's getting me all the more eager for a wee lil' darling... because I now see how quickly they grow, and I want one more chance to savour that tiny bundle of crazy//love.

mama Mel ;o)

 

Confessions (of a mama) part.16.

(8 mos. pregnant.. and our almost two year old dude)

I don't know about you, but I like a good book to treat me like a good friend - by giving me the one, two punch of 'love' and 'truth'.  The kind of truth that smacks you up the head and says "you need to hear this"... the kind of love that says "because I love you too much to leave you where you are".

Well, a good friend got me this good book: "Christ in the Chaos: How the Gospel Changes Motherhood", and I ate it up pretty fast.  The author was putting a finger right on that pressure point in my own life... and speaking truth, and love, to it.

Because, as you may recall from that last 'mama confession' about the self-pity vortex, I am really seeking to weed out this rotting reaction to any trials in parenting.

This book has helped remind me to take the times of chaos, and those moments of indulgent pity parties and self-loathing... and use them as a spring board to recognise: 'yes, I am weak' but 'God's grace is strong'.

"Motherhood has taught me how very weak I really am, and that is a hard, hard truth to accept.  But by living in my weakness, I see more powerful God really is.  I come to understand that his power is shown to be perfect through my weakness and failures".Kimm.p.56.

Another weakness I think many of us women face is that 'no-win' game of comparison.  Is it easy to think of five other moms you compare your parenting to?  Or, do you seek to define yourself by the version of mom you want to be - the all-natural, granola mama; the sporty mom; the artsy mom; the homeschooling mama... etc?  We can beat ourselves up trying to 'keep up'.

We can be super defensive of any one who may question how we parent.  We can stay up at night wondering 'am I going to screw up my kids?'... imagine living in the freedom of not having to perform, or maintain such fragile identities:

"God's grace is a one-way love - love and acceptance that flows down on us so we may in turn show it to others.  A love we have done nothing to earn, grace as a gift.  When we truly believe that this permanent, unchanging approval God has bestowed upon us because Christ is enough, then we can receive compliments or complaints, approval or rejection, with a minimum of temptation to respond pridefully or defensively.  Why?  Because ultimately it's not about us." Kimm.

So whether I put the kids to bed in a flustered and frustrated rage.. and then lament my pathetic parenting, or tuck them in tenderly.. and congratulate myself on being 'wonder-mom' - both are 'me' centered perspectives.  It all boils down to a personal performance identity.  I feel validated for a good day or vexed by an exhausting one.  As the author is this books states, though, I need to trade in my 'performance obsession' for a 'Christ obsession'.

And you know what?  I already see a difference - a subtle shift in my heart - during those moments where grace instead of selfishness takes the spotlight.  Prime example: each morning when the kids wake (much) earlier than I would appreciate.. my heart can start grumbling before my feet hit the ground.  I can soon be nursing a full out pity party and contempt for my 'rough start to the day'... and blame those early risers for it - instead of recognising it's my own heart festering.  But, lately when I feel that temptation to start brewing a bad attitude - I remind myself of God's grace, always present, always free, always enduring for me.
I feel lighter.
I feel freer.

His love has opened the cage, why bother putting myself back in it?

I can't explain the difference grace makes if you don't know Jesus personally.. but I can pray you find that freedom in His love that erases all our sin and self-preoccupation.

Thanks for hearing this mama's heart,
feel free to share any great reads you've been into lately too!

Mel ;o)