confessions [of a mama] part.8.

Lately I've been battling. struggling. grappling. with myself as a mama.
It started with hearing yelling outside... upon looking I saw a mother dragging/carrying/abandoning/chasing her screaming.crying.yelling son.  At one point she yelled back at him "I can't believe you're acting like this - you're 6 years old!!"  
I thought/wished he could have retorted "I can't believe you're acting like this.. you're my mom"!
Unfortunately the emotional yell-a-thon lasted down the entire street.

I shook my head.
I clucked my tongue.
I judged her unfit to mother.

So today I cringe at my ease with which I judge an other's ability to mother - when there are moments and days that I hope no one can see my cold heart.
Those times when I'm hungry. tired. frustrated.
When my daughter's whine seems soul-piercing.
Her energy like a frenzied stupor.
 Her neediness too smothering...

How can someone you love so dearly...
Cause you thoughts of utter venom-spitting hostility?

So I've been trying to track what my 'pressure points' are that can get my collar heating up.
My daughter doesn't deserve a hasty. cold. reactionary mama.  I want to target these issues as I see them in my heart ... and address them while my daughter is (hopefully) too young to remember my sloppy learning curves.
I've come up with a few here:
my agendas
my expectations
my priorities
Most days I wake up with a plan for the day (my agenda)
I tend to compartmentalize the day into sections of family time/ house care/ socializing, etc.  On top of those I try to wedge in the 'me' time of crafting while daughter naps.
If one of these compartments starts to get crowded into by unforeseen events - I get hissy.

I need to be more flexible with how the agenda of my day unfolds.

Being an artist adds extra pressure to my weak points.
I still want to create.sew.paint like I did before being a mama.
It's not realistic.
It can make me resent the time my daughter/ or the dishes/ or the laundry etc all 'use up' of my day.
Every time I choose to create... another part of the home is left untended - and really, I'm then creating a mess!

I need to re-asses my priorities.
Our daughter is our most important work of art.
*She won't remember all the crazy things I've crafted for her - as much as the time spent with her.*
I know grown women who bereave the absence of their over-committed artist mothers... and I don't want to be one of those.
At the end of the day I gaze into these eyes as she says "snugg'oh me?" and I wonder why I got so caught up in so many things that day to distract me from this gift.
Motherhood is a calling to unselfishness.
I need to keep letting go of my agendas.my expectations.me.me.me.

Sure she can be inspired by a creative mama, I'm not going to lose that part.
I just want her to know her mama will gladly drop the paintbrush, or the needle and thread to spend one more moment holding her sweet hand in mine.

Our lives are a moment,
and will soon be past,
what really matters
is what will last...

... these young souls entrusted to our care.

That's my rant. my confession of a mama... and an artist.

I guess every day we're all still learning to 'grow up' a bit more.
Mel ;o)
P.S - the linking of this Small Style is simple - Azriel is wearing an OskKosh sleeper!


  1. Yellowfinchdesigns13 October 2011 at 09:45

    Melissa, this is a great post! I feel like I struggle with these issues everyday. For me, it's having too many things on my plate. I've actually cut back on several activities and have decided to put the jewelry business on the back burner. The children are the works of art we should be focusing on....and they are our masterpieces :) 

    It's nice to hear moms voice their opinion on this issue. Thanks for sharing.


  2. thank YOU Liz... always inspired to hear how other mama's are finding the balance too - these 'early years' with our kids will be so fleeting - I know the art/creating will always be a passion I can focus more on later - but the kids - gotta savour every moment eh?  take care!

  3. What a gorgeous post! As a non mom on the fence between baby or no baby I am really touched by your honesty. Thank you!

  4. aw thank you Charlotte.... yes, having kids is one of the biggest life-altering experiences - it rearranges your heart to grow.stretch.hurt.love in ways you never knew possible for yourself!  Appreciate you leaving that note :o) Mel

  5. Melissa,
    I love this post. And the pictures are darling.
    I'm struggling too. Trying to keep up. And keep what's really important where it needs to be. A priority.
    So glad I read this today.

  6. Oh, Mama. I'm sitting at my desk, weeping. I needed this. So badly I needed this. Thank you for sharing your heart with such beautiful, convicting and inspiring words. -Bri

  7. Beautiful sentiments.  Parenting is so hard and stressful and also so rewarding.  Azriel is darling :)

  8. *sigh*
    it is posts like this when i know i was meant to randomly stumble upon your amazing blog.  I'm all too guilty of feeling exactly this way, i thank you dearly for your reminder
    "Our lives are a moment, and will soon be past, what really matters

    is what will last.." such a simple logic that is for some reason easy to forget sometimes.  artist mamas are very much alike, as are all mamas i suppose, but artist mamas really share that same vibe.  much love sistah mel<3 suz

  9. hugs - I knew YOU would understand my lil' crazy mama brain ;o)  Thanks luv.

  10. thank you so much.  Loving your blog!

  11. I'm humbled that you would find my ramblings so moving, and touched you would share your heart here too, thank you for being a part of this journey... praying much grace your way ;o).

  12. I hear you Susan, thanks for stopping in and sharing here... I'm glad you were here today too. :o)
    Peace. Be still. Words we all need to hold to eh? take care!

  13. Castingallyourcare13 October 2011 at 19:29

    Wow, well said!!!

  14. I totally understand your feelings. I have been dealing with a overly needly/crying child this week and its exhausting....especially when you don't know why she's like that. Anyway thanx for sharing your heart. Its good know other people struggle too. .... reading your post made me think of the song "Cinderella" by Stephen Curtis Chapman.... look it up. 

  15. thanks.  i needed this! :)


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